Vitya,
I'm certain this letter will reach you, even though I'm now behind the German
front line, behind the barbed wire of the Jewish ghetto. I won't receive your
answer, though; I won't be here to receive it. I want you to know about my last
days. Like that, it will be easier for me to die.
It's
difficult, Vitya, ever really to understand people… The Germans entered the
town on July 7th. The latest news was being broadcast on the radio in the park.
I was on my way back from the surgery and I stopped to listen. It was a
war-bulletin in Ukrainian. Then I heard distant shooting. Some people ran
across the park. I set off home, all the time feeling surprised that I'd missed
the air-raid warning. Suddenly I saw a tank and someone shouted: 'It's the
Germans.'
'Don't
spread panic!' I warned. I'd been the day before to ask the secretary of the
town soviet when we'd be evacuated. 'There'll be time enough to talk about
that,' he'd answered angrily. 'We haven't even drawn up the lists of evacuees
yet.'
Well,
it was indeed the Germans. All that night the neighbours were rushing round to
each other's rooms – the only people who stayed calm were myself and the little
children. I'd just accepted that the same would happen to me as to everyone
else. To begin with I felt utter horror. I realized that I'd never see you
again. I wanted desperately to look at you once more. I wanted to kiss your
forehead and your eyes. Then I understood how fortunate I was that you were
safe.
When
it was nearly morning, I fell asleep. I woke up and felt a terrible sadness. I
was in my own room and my own bed, but I felt as though I were in a foreign
country, alone and lost.
That
morning I was reminded of what I'd forgotten during the years of the Soviet
regime – that I was a Jew. Some Germans drove past on a lorry, shouting out: 'Juden
kaput!'
I got
a further reminder from some of my own neighbours. The caretaker's wife was
standing beneath my window and saying to the woman next door: 'Well, that's the
end of the Jews. Thank God for that!' What can have made her say that? Her
son's married to a Jew. She used to go and visit him and then come back and
tell me all about her grandchildren.
The
woman next door, a widow with a six-year-old daughter – a girl called
Alyonushka with wonderful blue eyes, I wrote to you about her once – came round
and said to me: 'Anna Semyonovna, I'm moving into your room. Can you clear your
things out by this evening?' 'Very well, I'll move into your room then.' 'No,
you're moving into the little room behind the kitchen.'
I
refused. There isn't even a stove there, or a window.
I went
to the surgery. When I came back, I found the door of my room had been smashed
in and all my things piled in the little room. My neighbour just said: 'I've
kept the settee for myself. There's no room for it where you are now.'
It's
extraordinary – she's been to technical school and her late husband was a
wonderful man, very quiet, an accountant at Ukopspilk. 'You're outside the
law!' she said, as though that were something very profitable for her. And then
her little Alyonushka sat with me all evening while I told her fairy-tales.
That was my house-warming party – the girl didn't want to go to bed and her
mother had to carry her away in her arms. Then, Vityenka, they opened the
surgery again. I and another Jewish doctor were both dismissed. I asked for the
previous month's pay but the new director said: 'Stalin can pay you whatever
you earned under the Soviet regime. Write to him in Moscow.' The assistant,
Marusya, embraced me and keened quietly, 'Lord God, Lord God, what will become
of you, what will become of you all?' And Doctor Tkachev shook me by the hand.
I really don't know which is worse – gloating spite, or these pitying glances
like people cast at a mangy, half-dead cat. No, I never thought I'd have to
live through anything like this.
Many
people have surprised me. And not only those who are poor, uneducated,
embittered. There's one old man, a retired teacher, seventy-five years old, who
always used to ask after you and send you his greetings and say, 'He's the
pride of our town.' During these accursed days he's just passed me by without a
word, looking in the other direction. And I've heard that at a meeting called
by the commandant, he said: 'Now the air feels clean at last. It no longer
smells of garlic. ' Why, why? -words like that are a stain on him. Yes, and how
terribly the Jews were slandered at that meeting… But then of course, Vityenka,
not everyone attended. Many people refused. And one thing – ever since the time
of the Tsars I've associated anti-Semitism with the jingoism of people from the
Union of Michael the Archangel. But now I've seen that the people who shout
most loudly about delivering Russia from the Jews are the very ones who cringe
like lackeys before the Germans, ready to betray their country for thirty
pieces of German silver. And strange people from the outskirts of town seize
our rooms, our blankets, our clothes. It must have been people like them who
killed doctors at the time of the cholera riots. And then there are people
whose souls have just withered, people who are ready to go along with anything
evil – anything so as not to be suspected of disagreeing with whoever's in
power.
People
I know are constantly coming round with bits of news. Their eyes are mad and
they seem quite delirious. A strange expression has come into vogue: 'hiding
away one another's things.' People somehow think a neighbour's house is going
to be safer. The whole thing is like a children's game.
An
announcement was soon made about the resettlement of the Jews. We were each to
be permitted to take 15 kilograms of belongings. Little yellow notices were
hung up on the walls of houses: 'All occupants are required to move to the area
of the Old Town by not later than 6.00 p.m. on 15 July, 1941. Anyone remaining
will be shot.'
And
so, Vityenka, I got ready. I took a pillow, some bedclothes, the cup you once
gave me, a spoon, a knife and two forks. Do we really need so very much? I took
a few medical instruments. I took your letters; the photographs of my late
mother and Uncle David, and the one of you with your father; a volume of
Pushkin; Lettres de mon moulin; the volume of Maupassant with Une
vie; a small
dictionary… I took some Chekhov – the volume with 'A Boring Story' and 'The
Bishop' – and that was that, I'd filled my basket. How many letters I must have
written to you under that roof, how many hours I must have cried at night –
yes, now I can tell you just how lonely I've been.
I said
goodbye to the house and garden. I sat for a few minutes under the tree. I said
goodbye to the neighbours. Some people are very strange. Two women began
arguing in front of me about which of them would have my chairs, and which my
writing-desk. I said goodbye and they both began to cry. I asked the Basankos
to tell you everything in more detail if you ever come and ask about me after
the war. They promised. I was very moved by the mongrel, Tobik – she was
particularly affectionate towards me that last evening.
If you
do come, feed her in return for her kindness towards an old Yid.
When
I'd got everything ready and was wondering how I'd be able to carry my basket
to the Old Town, a patient of mine suddenly appeared, a gloomy and – so I had
always thought – rather callous man called Shchukin. He picked up my
belongings, gave me 300 roubles and said he'd come once a week to the fence and
give me some bread. He works at the printing-house – they didn't want him at
the front because of his eye trouble. He was a patient of mine before the war.
If I'd been asked to list all the people I knew with pure, sensitive souls, I
might have given dozens of names – but certainly not his. Do you know,
Vityenka, after he came, I began to feel once more that I was a human being –
it wasn't only the yard-dog that still treated me as though I were.
He
told me that a new decree was being printed: Jews are to be forbidden to walk
on the pavements; they are required to wear a yellow patch, a Star of David, on
the chest; they no longer have the right to use public transport, baths, parks,
or cinemas; they are forbidden to buy butter, eggs, milk, berries, white bread,
meat, or any vegetable other than potatoes; they are only allowed to make
purchases in the market after six o'clock, when the peasants are already on
their way home. The Old Town will be fenced off with barbed wire and people
will only be allowed out under escort – to carry out forced labour. If a Jew is
discovered in a Russian home, the owner will be shot – just as if he were
harbouring a partisan.
Shchukin's
father-in-law, an old peasant, had travelled in from the nearby village of
Chudnov. He had seen with his own eyes how all the Jews there were herded into
the forest with their parcels and suitcases. All day long he heard shots and terrible
screams; not one Jew returned. As for the Germans who'd commandeered his rooms,
they didn't come back till late at night. They were quite drunk and they
carried on drinking and singing till dawn, sharing out brooches, rings and
bracelets right under the old man's nose. I don't know whether the soldiers
just got out of hand or whether that's a foretaste of our common fate.
What a
sad journey it was, my son, to the medieval ghetto. I was walking through the
town where I have worked for the last twenty years. First we went down
Svechnaya Street, which was quite deserted. Then we came out onto Nikolskaya
Street and I caught sight of hundreds of people all on their way to this same
accursed ghetto. The street was white with little parcels and pillows. There
were invalids being led by the hand. Doctor Margulis's paralysed father was
being carried on a blanket. One young man was carrying an old woman in his arms
while his wife and children followed behind, loaded with parcels. Gordon, a fat
breathless man who manages a grocery shop, was wearing a winter coat with a fur
collar; sweat was pouring down his face. I was struck by one young man; he had
no belongings and he was walking with his head high, a book held open before
him, and a calm, proud face. But how crazy and horror-struck most of the people
beside him looked!
We all
walked down the roadway while everyone else stood on the pavement and watched.
At one
moment I was walking beside the Margulises and I could hear sighs of compassion
from the women on the pavement. But everyone just laughed at Gordon's winter
coat – though, believe me, he looked more terrible than absurd. I saw many
faces I knew. Some nodded goodbye, others looked away. I don't think any eyes
in that crowd were indifferent; some were pitiless, some were inquisitive, and
some were filled with tears.
I
realized there were two different crowds: there were the Jews – the men in
winter coats and hats, the women wearing thick dresses – and there were the
people in summer clothes on the pavement. There you could see bright dresses,
men in shirt-sleeves, embroidered Ukrainian blouses. It was as though even the
sun no longer shone for the Jews on the street, as though they were walking
through the cold frost of a December night.
We
came to the gateway into the ghetto and I said goodbye to my companion. He
pointed out where we were to meet at the fence.
Can
you guess what I felt, Vityenka, once I was behind the barbed wire? I'd
expected to feel horror. But just imagine – I actually felt relieved to be inside
this cattle-pen. Don't think it's because I'm a born slave. No. No. It's
because everyone around me shares my fate: now I no longer have to walk on the
roadway like a horse, there are no more spiteful looks, and the people I know
look me straight in the eye instead of trying to avoid me. Everyone in this
cattle-pen bears the stamp branded on us by the Fascists and it no longer burns
my soul so fiercely. Now I'm no longer a beast deprived of rights – simply an
unfortunate human being. And that's easier to bear.
I've
settled down, together with a colleague of mine, Doctor Sperling, in a small
two-roomed house. The Sperlings have got two grown-up daughters and a
twelve-year-old son, Yura. I gaze for hours at his thin little face and his
big, sad eyes; twice I've called him Vitya by mistake and he's corrected me:
'I'm Yura, not Vitya.'
How
different people are! Sperling, at fifty-eight years of age, is full of energy.
He's already managed to get hold of mattresses, kerosene and a cart for
carrying firewood. Last night he had a sack of flour and half a sack of haricot
beans brought to the house. He's as pleased as punch at each little success of
his. Yesterday he was hanging out the rugs. 'Don't worry, don't worry, we'll
survive,' he repeated. 'The main thing is to get stocked up with food and
firewood.'
He
said we ought to start up a school in the ghetto. He even suggested I gave Yura
French lessons in exchange for a bowl of soup. I agreed.
Sperling's
fat wife, Fanny Borisovna, just sighs, 'Everything's ruined, we're all ruined.'
At the same time she keeps a careful watch on her elder daughter, Lyuba – a
kind, good-natured girl – in case she gives anyone a handful of beans or a
slice of bread. The mother's favourite is the younger daughter, Alya. She's the
devil incarnate – mean, domineering and suspicious – and she's always shouting
at her father and sister. She came on a visit from Moscow before the war and
got stuck here.
God,
what poverty there is everywhere! If only the people who are always talking
about how rich the Jews are, how they've always got something put by for hard
times, could have a look at the Old Town now. Hard times have come indeed –
there can be no harder. But the people who've been resettled with fifteen
kilograms of baggage aren't the only inhabitants of the Old Town: there have
always been craftsmen living here -together with old men, workers, hospital
orderlies… What terrible crowded conditions they live in! And what food they
eat! If you could only see these half-ruined shacks that have almost become
part of the earth.
Vityenka,
I've seen many bad people here, people who are greedy, dishonest, capable even
of betrayal. We've got one terrible man, Epstein, who came here from some
little town in Poland – he wears a band round his sleeve and helps the Germans
with their interrogations and searches; he gets drunk with the Ukrainian
policemen and they send him round to people's homes to extort vodka, money and
food. I've seen him twice, a tall handsome man in a smart cream-coloured suit –
even the yellow star sewn on his jacket looks like a chrysanthemum.
But
what I really want to talk to you about is something quite different. I never
used to feel I was a Jew: as a child my circle of friends were all Russian; my
favourite poets were Pushkin and Nekrasov; the one play which reduced me to
tears, together with the whole audience – a congress of village doctors – was
Stanislavsky's production of Uncle Vanya. And once, Vityenka, when I was
fourteen, our family was about to emigrate to South America and I said to my
father: 'I'll never leave Russia – I'd rather drown myself.' And I didn't go.
But
now, during these terrible days, my heart has become filled with a maternal
tenderness towards the Jewish people. I never knew this love before. It reminds
me of my love for you, my dearest son.
I
visit the sick in their houses. Dozens of people are crowded into minute little
rooms – half-blind old men, un-weaned babies, pregnant women. I'm used to
looking into people's eyes for symptoms of diseases – glaucoma, cataract. Now I
can no longer look at people's eyes like that; what I see now is the reflection
of the soul. A good soul, Vityenka! A sad, good-natured soul, defeated by
violence, but at the same time triumphant over violence. A strong soul, Vitya!
If you
could only see with what concern the old men and women keep asking after you.
How sincerely people try to console me, people I've never complained to and
whose situation is far more terrible than my own.
Sometimes
I think that it's not so much me visiting the sick, as the other way round –
that the people are a kind doctor who is healing my soul. And how touching it
is when people hand me an onion, a slice of bread, or a handful of beans.
And
believe me, Vityenka, that's not a matter of payment for my visit. Tears come
to my eyes when some middle-aged workman shakes me by the hand, puts two or
three potatoes in a little bag and says, 'There, Doctor, I beg you.' There's
something about it which is pure, kind, fatherly – but I can't find the right
words.
I don't
want to console you by saying that things have been easy for me – no, it's
surprising that my heart hasn't broken from grief. But please don't worry that
I'm going hungry – I haven't once felt hungry. Nor have I felt lonely.
What
can I say about people? They amaze me as much by their good qualities as by
their bad qualities. They are all so different, even though they must undergo
the same fate. But then if there's a downpour and most people try to hide, that
doesn't mean that they're all the same. People even have their own particular
ways of sheltering from rain.
Doctor
Sperling is certain that the persecution of the Jews will only last as long as
the war. There aren't many people like him, and I've noticed that the more optimistic
people are, the more petty and egotistic they tend to be. If someone comes in
when we're eating, Alya and Fanny Borisovna hide away the food as quick as they
can.
The
Sperlings treat me well – especially as I eat little and provide more than I
consume. But I've decided to leave. I don't like them. I'm trying to find some
little corner for myself. The more sorrow there is in a man, the less hope he
has of survival – the better, the kinder, the more generous he becomes.
The
poorest people, the tailors and tinsmiths, the ones without hope, are so much
nobler, more generous and more intelligent than the people who've somehow
managed to lay by a few provisions. The young schoolmistresses; Spilberg, the
eccentric old teacher and chess-player; the timid women who work in the
library; Reyvich, the engineer, who's more helpless than a child, yet dreams of
arming the ghetto with hand-made grenades – what wonderful, impractical, dear,
sad, good people they all are!
I've
realized now that hope almost never goes together with reason. It's something
quite irrational and instinctive.
People
carry on, Vitya, as though their whole life lies ahead of them. It's impossible
to say whether that's wise or foolish – it's just the way people are. I do the
same myself. There are two women here from a shtetl and they tell the same
story as my friend did. The Germans are killing all the Jews in the district,
children and old men included. The Germans and Ukrainian police drive up and
recruit a few dozen men for field-work. These men are set to dig ditches and
two or three days later the Jewish population is marched to these ditches and
shot. Jewish burial mounds are rising up in all the villages round about.
There's
a girl from Poland next door. She says that there the killing goes on
continually. The Jews are being massacred; there are only a few ghettoes –
Warsaw, Lodz and Radom – where there are any left alive. When I thought about
all this it seemed quite clear that we've been gathered here not to be
preserved – like the bison in the Bialowiezska forest-but to be slaughtered.
Our turn will come in a week or two, according to plan. But just imagine – I
still go on seeing patients and saying, 'Now bathe your eye regularly with the
lotion and it will be better in two or three weeks.' I'm taking care of one old
man whose cataract it will be possible to remove in six months or a year.
I give
Yura French lessons and get quite upset at his bad pronunciation.
Meanwhile
the Germans burst into people's houses and steal; sentries amuse themselves by
shooting children from behind the barbed wire; and more and more people confirm
that any day now our fate will be decided.
That's
how it is – life goes on. Not long ago we even had a wedding… And there are
always dozens of rumours. First a neighbour declares that our troops have taken
the offensive and the Germans are fleeing. Then there is a rumour that the
Soviet government and Churchill have presented the Germans with an ultimatum –
and that Hitler's ordered that no more Jews are to be killed. Then we are
informed that Jews are to be exchanged for German prisoners-of-war.
It
seems that nowhere is there so much hope as in the ghetto. The world is full of
events and all these events have the same meaning and the same purpose – the
salvation of the Jews. What a wealth of hope!
And
the source of all these hopes is one and the same – the life-instinct itself,
blindly rebelling against the terrible fact that we must all perish without
trace. I look round myself and simply can't believe it: can we really, all of
us, already be condemned, about to be executed? The hairdressers, the cobblers,
the tailors, the doctors, the stove-repairers are still working. A little
maternity home has even been opened – or rather, the semblance of one. People
do their washing, linen dries on the line, meals are prepared, the children
have been going to school since the first of September, the mothers question
the teachers about their children's marks.
Old
Spilberg is having some books bound. Alya Sperling does physical training every
morning, puts her hair in paper-curlers every evening and quarrels with her
father about two lengths of material that she wants for summer dresses.
And
I'm busy myself from morning till night – visiting my patients, giving lessons,
darning my clothes, doing my washing, preparing for winter, sewing a lining
into my winter coat. I hear stories about the terrible punishments Jews have
suffered: one woman I know, a lawyer's wife, bought a duck egg for her child
and was beaten till she lost consciousness; a boy, the son of Sirota the
chemist, was shot in the shoulder for crawling beneath the wire after a ball
that had rolled away. And then rumours, rumours, rumours…
What I
say now isn't a rumour, however. Today the Germans came and took eighty young
men to work in the fields, supposedly to dig potatoes. Some people were glad,
imagining the men would be able to bring a few potatoes home for their
relatives. But I knew all too well what the Germans meant by potatoes.
Night
is a special time in the ghetto, Vitya. You know, my dearest, how I always
taught you to tell the truth – a son must always tell the truth to his mother.
But then so must a mother tell the truth to her son. Don't imagine, Vityenka,
that your mother's a strong woman. I'm weak. I'm afraid of pain and I'm
terrified to sit down in the dentist's chair. As a child I was afraid of
darkness and thunder. As an old woman I've been afraid of illness and
loneliness; I've been afraid that if I fall ill, I won't be able to go back to
work again; that I'll become a burden to you and that you'll make me feel it.
I've been afraid of the war. Now, Vitya, I'm seized at night by a horror that
makes my heart grow numb. I'm about to die. I want to call out to you for help.
When
you were a child, you used to run to me for protection. Now, in moments of
weakness, I want to hide my head on your knees; I want you to be strong and
wise; I want you to protect and defend me. I'm not always strong in spirit,
Vitya – I can be weak too. I often think about suicide, but something holds me
back – some weakness, or strength, or irrational hope.
But
enough of that. I have dreams every night. I often see my mother and talk to
her. Last night I dreamed of Sasha Shaposhnikov during our years in Paris. But
I haven't once dreamed of you – though I think of you often, even at moments of
the most terrible distress. In the morning I wake up and look at the ceiling,
then I remember that the Germans are on our land and that I'm a leper – and
it's as though I haven't woken up at all, but have just fallen asleep and begun
to dream.
A few
minutes go by and I hear Alya quarrelling with Lyuba over whose turn it is to
go to the well. Then I hear people talking about how, during the night, the
Germans smashed in the skull of some old man on the next street.
A girl
I knew came round, a student at the teachers' training college for technical
subjects, and called me out on a visit. She turned out to be hiding a
lieutenant who'd been wounded in the shoulder and burnt in one eye. A sweet,
haggard, young man with a thick Volga accent. He'd slipped through the wire at
night and found shelter in the ghetto. His eye wasn't seriously injured at all
and I was able to check the suppuration. He talked a lot about different
battles and how our army had been put to flight. He quite depressed me. He
wants to recuperate and then slip through the German front line. Several young
men intend to go with him, one of them an ex-student of mine. Oh Vityenka, if
only I could go with them too. It was such a joy to me to be able to help that
young man – I felt as though I too were taking part in the war against Fascism.
People
had brought him some bread, beans and potatoes, and one old woman had knitted
him a pair of woollen socks.
The
whole day has been full of drama. Yesterday Alya managed, through a Russian
friend of hers, to get hold of the passport of a young Russian girl who'd died
in hospital. Tonight she's going to leave. And we heard today, from a peasant
we know who was driving past the ghetto fence, that the Jews who were sent to
dig potatoes are digging deep ditches four versts from the town, near the
airfield, on the road to Romanovka. Remember that name, Vitya – that's where
you'll find the mass grave where your mother is buried.
Even
Sperling understood. He's been pale all day, his lips are trembling and he
keeps asking confusedly: 'Is there any hope that specialists will be spared?'
In fact I have heard that in some places the best tailors, cobblers and doctors
have been left alive.
All
the same, this very evening, Sperling summoned the old man who repairs stoves
and had a secret cupboard built into the wall for flour and salt. And Yura and
I have been reading Lettres de mon moulin.Do
you remember how we used to read out loud my favourite story, 'Les
Vieux', how
we'd look at each other and burst out laughing, how each of us would have tears
in our eyes? And after that I set Yura his lessons for the day after tomorrow.
But what an ache I felt as I looked at my student's sad little face, as I
watched his fingers note down in his exercise-book the numbers of the
paragraphs of grammar I had just set.
And
what a lot of children like that there are! Children with wonderful eyes and
dark curly hair – probably future scientists, physicists, professors of
medicine, musicians, even poets…
I
watch them running to school in the morning, with a quite unchildlike
seriousness, and wide, tragic eyes. Though sometimes they do begin laughing and
fighting and romping about; then, rather than feeling happier, I am seized with
horror.
They
say that children are our own future, but how can one say that of these
children? They aren't going to become musicians, cobblers or tailors. Last
night I saw very clearly how this whole noisy world of bearded, anxious fathers
and querulous grandmothers who bake honey-cakes and goosenecks – this whole
world of marriage customs, proverbial sayings and Sabbaths will disappear for
ever under the earth. After the war life will begin to stir once again, but we
won't be here, we will have vanished – just as the Aztecs once vanished.
The
peasant who brought us the news about the mass graves said that his wife had
been crying at night. She'd been lamenting: 'They sew, and they make shoes, and
they curry leather, and they mend watches, and they sell medicines in the
chemist's. What will we do when they've all been killed?'
And
how clearly I saw someone walk past our ruined houses and say: 'Once some Jews
used to live here. Do you remember? An old stove-repairer called Borukh. On
Saturday evenings his old wife sat on the bench and the children played round
about.' And someone else said: 'And there was a doctor who used to sit there,
beneath that old pear-tree – I can't remember her surname but I once went to
her to have my eyes treated. After she'd finished work she used to bring out a
wickerwork chair and sit there with a book.' Yes, Vitya, that's how it will be.
As
though some terrible breath has passed over people's faces and everyone knows
that the end is approaching.
Vityenka,
I want to tell you… no, it's not that.
Vityenka,
I'm finishing this letter and taking it to the ghetto fence to hand to my
friend. It's not easy to break off. It's my last conversation with you. Once I
send it off, I will have left you for ever and you will never know of my last
hours. This is our final parting. What can I say to you in farewell, in eternal
farewell? These last days, as during my whole life, you have been my joy. I've
remembered you at night, the clothes you wore as a boy, your first books. I've
remembered your first letter, your first day at school. I've remembered
everything, everything from the first days of your life to the last news that I
heard from you, the telegram I received on the 30th of June. I've closed my
eyes and imagined that you were shielding me, my dearest, from the horror that
is approaching. And then I've remembered what is happening here and felt glad
that you were apart from me – and that this terrible fate will pass you by!
Vitya,
I've always been lonely. I've wept in anguish through lonely nights. My consolation
was the thought of how I would tell you one day about my life. Tell you why
your father and I separated, why I have lived on my own for so many years. And
I've often thought how surprised my Vitya would be to learn how his mother made
mistakes, raved, grew jealous, made others jealous, was just what young people
always are. But my fate is to end my life alone, never having shared it with
you. Sometimes I've thought that I ought not to live far away from you, that I
love you too much, that love gives me the right to be with you in my old age.
And at other times I've thought that I ought not to live together with you,
that I love you too much.
Well, enfin… Always be happy with those you
love, those around you, those who have become closer to you than your mother.
Forgive me.
I can
hear women weeping on the street, and policemen swearing; as I look at these
pages, they seem to protect me from a terrible world that is filled with
suffering.
How
can I finish this letter? Where can I find the strength, my son? Are there
words capable of expressing my love for you? I kiss you, your eyes, your
forehead, your hair.
Remember
that your mother's love is always with you, in grief and in happiness, no one
has the strength to destroy it.
Vityenka…
This is the last line of your mother's last letter to you. Live, live, live for
ever… Mama.